This is the place where Access Space participants (Spacers) create wikified web content.


Script Format

I’ve kind of invented this script format to work with the rather limited formatting options that the wiki gives us.

Scene name (heading 2)

italic text to set the scene, and for stage directions

This Character: Says this (and does this)

Also, we should cross lines out rather than delete them.



Newsreader (Mark Carterwick?) - this character is only ever seen separate from the 5 other characters.

Santa (Dan Hart)

Liberal or Judge (Mike Futcher)


Floater (Dan Kahn)


Scene 1: A Newsroom

The news program is called Fucked Up News (FUN) Special: The Trial Of Santa. We can use a Bucminster Fuller projection of the earth, or a NI-style south-pointing-up globe.

Head and shoulders shot of a newsreader

Newsreader: Welcome to aAnd next on Deedah News a World Exclusive Live Acoustic Live Special on The Trial of Santa.

Opening credits, using an upside-down world image and the title “DEEDAH NEWS THE TRIAL OF SANTA”

A head and shoulders shot of a newsreader. Behind them is a video-screen on which Santa is being lead up some flights of stairs in chains.

Newsreader: A small group of anarchists and anticapitalsits have captured Santa Claus and intend to put him on trail. The charges include:-

  • Inciting crimes against the planet.
  • Inciting second-rate musicians to commit Christmas singles.
  • Creating a public nuisance during the month of December.
  • Creating a public nuisance during the month of November.
  • Creating a public nuisance during the month of October.
  • Creating a public nuisance during the month of September.
  • Creating a public nuisance during the month of August.

And they're reading out the charges right now so i'll just cross over… (looks for the right button & presses)

* The grooming of minors for capitalist activity.

* Promoting greed and waste, and gluttony and obesity and poverty, misery, shallowness, and tinsel and global destruction just to put more fucking crap under another pointlessly murdered tree!

* Inciting multiple murders of turkeys

* Cruelty to reindeer.

* Perverting the true meaning of Christmas.

* Accepting bribes from Yankee Imperialists: Coca Cola, to wit a fine red uniform.

(during the reading of this please feel free to shout hear hear and even come up with new charges)

We now cross live to the courtroom.

Scene 2: A Squat (the courtroom)


  • Creating a public nuisance during the month of December.
  • Creating a public nuisance during the month of November.
  • Creating a public nuisance during the month of October.
  • Creating a public nuisance during the month of September.
  • Creating a public nuisance during the month of August.
  • The grooming of minors for capitalist activity.
  • Promoting greed and waste, and gluttony and obesity and poverty, misery, shallowness, and tinsel and global destruction just to put more fucking crap under another pointlessly murdered tree!
  • Inciting multiple murders of turkeys
  • Cruelty to reindeer.
  • Perverting the true meaning of Christmas.
  • Accepting bribes from Yankee Imperialists: Coca Cola, to wit a fine red uniform.

during the reading of this please feel free to shout “hear hear” and even come up with new charges

We now cross live to the courtroom.

Gash: Oi! What’s with the imperial trial method?

Judge: Silence in court!

Floater: Lets be non-hierarchical about this…..after all we aren't fascists

Judge: Silence in court!

pagan: Normal concepts of crime and punishment will not apply here

judge: Silence in court!

floater: he’s a fucking turkey-killer…….its like genocide man

gash: yeah!

apeman cynic: for fucks sake

Gash: but HE's fucked up as well (points at the judge)

Judge: Silance in court!

Santa: (quietly) i was never cruel to my reindeer.

Pagan: There are other types of trial we could use… several tribes have developed there own methods of justice.

Floater: he's a tool of the capitalist machine

Liberal: no he ain’t he's a victim

Floater: Hes a fucking Christian

Pagen: actually he used to be a fuckin’ pagan

Judge: Silence in court!

Gash: for fucks sake

Gash rips off the judges wig, Gash, Floater, and pagan toss it to each other with the help of floater

Pagan: you know the tribesmen of the Kalahari have a very interesting methods of justice.

Liberal (formally the judge): what would that be then?

Liberal: bushmen don’t celebrate Christmas

Gash: there u go then!!!! He’s a fucking racist too

(damb - not actualy researched that)

Pagen: some do

Gash: Santa never employs black elves!!

Santa: ah come on guys….peace and good will to all

Gash: aye….except niggers

Liberal: he never said that!

Gash: he didn’t need to

liberal:Pagen: we need some system here. in the vegan women's group we used a method of group decision-making with hand gestures.

Gash: yeah. . i like the idea of vegan women doing stuff with their hands

Santa: there are hardly any black elves in the arctic circle.

Pagen: afro-celtic music is thriving

Floater: fucking creeping round kids rooms at night like Gary Glitter

Gash: we need black elves

Floater: burn the racist peado!

Gash: and his Aryan elves

Pagan: For fucks sake guys. How about givin’ Santa a chance to defend himself

LiberalGash: would u give Pol Pot or Hitler or George Bush a chance??

Pagan: technical point

let mike fooshay get a word in for fucks sake

Floater: i cant help i aint gonna let my working class brothers down

Liberal Fooshay: and sisters

Santa: i was never cruel to reindeer.

FloaterGash: oh yes u were u coke-guzzling fascist

Pagan: those deer should have been roaming free with the oppressed ethnic minorities of the far north of Scandinavia Lapland.

Judge: Maybe …. we could have Lapp dancers?

Gash: What? With the lapp-dancers?

FloaterLiberal: u filthy patriarch!

Santa: Lapp not lap

gash: where are these Lapp dancers?

pagan: they wear traditional costumes and try to appease the old gods of winter

Gash: theirs a Lapp dancing club rayt next to the Rutland

Pagan: i never knew Sheffield was so ethnically diverse

Liberal:maybe we should go and check the conditions reflect their cultural needs…

Gash: Well I've never heard it called that before.

Liberal: were going off point here…

pagan: good point

Liberal: Santa, you expect 7 land-animals to pull a airborne slay carrying aproximatly 1 stone of presents per Christian on earth.

Pagans: plus week-willed Pagens, Atheists and Agnostics.

liberal: And I couldn't even calculate how many miles…

Santa: they loved their work

Santa: There was only ever one injury.

Gash: Oh yeah?

Santa: One of my reindeer was attacked by a demented weathercock.

Liberal: And? What happened?

Santa: I fought it off with an ice-pick.

Liberal: Then what?

Santa: We had venison when we reached home.

Gash: Waste not want not!

Pagan: Actually it's an ancient tradition of many cultures to eat you falling comrades. Plus the reindeer can be seen as an extension of yourself.

Santa: so I'm some mutant with a load of Siamese reindeer sticking out my chest?

Liberal: so that's two counts of animal murder.

pagan: no - a weathercock is like this twizzly metal thing that goes round in wind.

Liberal: Oh yeah. (pause) but still…

Santa: “Animal Murder”?? - you guys will never get through the next ice-age.

Liberal: cruelty to animals is worse than cruelty to people ‘cos animals cant stand up for themselves.

did i hear u say Christian!!

Santa: I was NEVER CRUEL! my reindeers are well fed, and have better conditions than that dog you feed on your vegan leftovers!

Pagan: think of all the turkeys man……the carnage

Floater: scruff thrives on nut cutlets man!

Gash: dogs only eat meat when the engine of capitalism forces them to

Pagan: ok - no cruelty to reindeer - what other charges were there?

Liberal: can we carpark that one…..while we decide who's gonna be in the sentencing collective?

Pagan: Ok…

Floater: i think we should have a prisoners' welfare collective!

Liberal: That's an entirely different protest.

Gash: and a defence collective

Floater: and a prosecution collective

Gash: and a strategy group to direct the collective

Liberal: Oh - THIS prisoner! I thought you meant the guantanomo bay prisoners…

sausage with sprouts and carrots and mash and gravy carnivorous filth

Gash: Bing Crosby was a nazi - with his dreams of an Aryan yuletide season

Floater: yeah WHITE Christmas! how fucked up's that?

Gash: yeah u don’t hear the mullahs singing “I’m dreaming of a brown Ramadan!”

Floater: who da fuck r the Mullahs? some new band?

Santa: (looking at the charges) err - this red coat…

Gash: coca cola man

Santa: I had it in the days when I was grand-father frost back in Russia.

LiberalPagan: pre-Revolution no doubt…..a Tsarist

Santa: course I was thinner then.

Gash: u got fat on murdered turkeys

LiberalPagan: A Tsarist slaughter of turkish people.

i hear they want more of em in the Eu


decent society needs to be warned about trash like that

and all the black religious types in there i hada word with as well


Santa: you're a pagan - you should know about that.

Liberal: stick to the agenda people please - can we keep religion out of this?

Floater: except Islam

Pagan: guess who i saw in Netto tonight? Gash's mum

Santa: I'm fucking father Christmas! how can we keep religion out of this?

Pagan: and she was wearing a fur coat

Gash: i disowned her years ago man

Floater: Christmas is about capitalism not religion!

Gash: Capitalism is a religion!

but u forgot you are now a sympathiser eh??

Santa: yeaah, I had a red suit when I was a skinny grandfather in mother Russia — not that you'd know about it - you fucking modern pagans.

Liberal: That shopping centre - Meddowhall. It's a great temple of Mammon

Floater: maybe we should be putting Mammon on trial then

Santa: so I can go? You're trying Mammon now? (sidles towards the door)

Liberal: Not yet - - - (Struggles to stop Santa)

gash: yeah lets blow up Meddowhall!

Floater: with Santa in it

Gash: nah man! with all the Santas in it!

Liberal: (being dragged along in a vain attempt to stop santa to Gash & Floater) Err guys…

(everyone else helps liberal stop Santa - nobody has any luck until Floater uses a cattle prod)

Santa: you call this a trial?

Floater: shut it fatso

Liberal: that’s very fattist Don't start being a body-fascist.

Gash: yeah, say sorry to the fascist

Floater: okay…sorry Santa

Gash: what the fuck r apologising to him for?

Pagan: maybe we could have some ambient drumming while we try him? and some aromatherapy

Liberal: (shouts) this isn’t a show-trial! let the man speak!

(long pause)

Santa: can I have a defence?

Gash: no one else gets a defence to defend themselves against capitalism - why should you get a defence against us?

Liberal: maybe we should split into groups and all write some key points down

Floater: look lets try him quickly and then kill him!

(at this point the camera angle resembles a security-cam)

Gash: the pigs will be here soon and they'll set the bastard free

Floater: I hope all mobiles are turned off - MI5 r watching me

Pagan: MI6 are witching me. and the FBI. and the KGB. and the IRA.

Gash: I’m so subversive it makes u all look like amateurs!

ape: beware of false prophets……by their blonde dreadlocks ye shall know them

pagan: oooo…..bit profound

ape: nowt profound about my old fruit……Ape kind has no argument with Santa. There's no Christmas in the jungle. Set him free at once!

gash: set him free?”!?” it wasn't easy to catch him!

Liberal: if all you gonna do is take the piss Steve Withington fuck off

Scene 3: Newsroom

Newsreader: And we'll be returning to the courtroom later. Thank you to Quentin X for installing the hidden cameras that made that live braudcast possable.

This Christmas as you get your nut cutlets out of the oven spare a thought for those less fortunate than us, on the bleak council estates of Sheffield. Thousands of ordinary paupers are driven into debt every year by the need to buy worthless soon-to-be-landfill for their many children. Meanwhile in China workers suffer appalling conditions to feed the western hunger for tat, or pre-rubbish.

The symbiotic relationship between the UK underclass and the Chinese wage slave was recently discussed at UN fringe meeting, involving Zhou Yongkang Zhou Wongkang (Chinese state minister) and Harriet Harman Harlot.

Recently Indian economist, Manoj Jonam Guptawali, stated that it is a remarkable state of affairs when the British are importing huge amounts of waste from China, then distributing them as presents. Ultimately, the cost of Yuletide Landfill is borne by the very weakest in society.

On some council estates in the most deprived areas of Sheffield, mothers have been forced to sell their drugs in order to buy toys for their children.

And now a commercial break.

The scene ends with some more news-program graphics

Scene 4: Commercial Break

Basically my broken commercials.

Scene 5: The Newsroom

Coultural news now.

Asylum seeking artist from Botswana, Simone Neurobatamba, was introduced to me today.

Mike Futcher (pronounced 'foo-shay') insists that Simone is the latest genius to join the Deedahist cause.

Simone's first taste of success was at the Gaborone International Fashion Festival. He took traditional African fabrics and designs and combined them with Burberry, and the Afro Chav was born.

More recently he has used underpants to highlight the decline in wildlife living on the Kalahari fringe.

Meanwhile, Harvey Nichols are ready to announce the launch of their Afro Chav sports and leisure wear range.

Harvey Motley Successfully staged a one-man anticapitallist demonstration at natwaste today. We have Harvey online now. What happened, Harvey?

Harvey: (We don't see Harvey. He is drunk) Well I cued up like everyone else, but when I got to the counter I wipped out my bottle of wine and said “This is a piss up”. Well I poured out two glasses, one for me, one for the casheer, and that's where the trouble started.

Newsreader: They called the police?

Harvey: No. I couldn't get the glass through that slot you're maint to pass money through. I ended up with all bits of glass in my hand and the wine spilt everywhere. If nothing else my wine probably stained a few bank notes. It was nice wine, too - beetroot and Rubarb.

but they have this little slot for passing money through, and I couldn't get the casheer's glass through, no matter how hard I pushed. And I was getting all bits of glass in my hand. The wine had spilled out of her glass by now, and trickled away into the system. If nothing else probably stained a few bank notes with my wine. It was nice wine, too.

Newsreader: I think Deedah News can grant you bail - Harvey, do you know that Santa Claus is on trial?

Harvey: Yeh I did hear that.

Newsreader: Would you like to give evidence at such a trail?

Harvey: YEAH!

Newsreader: Thankyou. That was Harvey Motley from Bradford police station.

Harvey: The important thing is it my protest was entirely peaceful. I want to destroy capitalism with acts of generosity.

Newsreader: We now cross live to a certian courtroom… where Santa Claus is on trail…

Scene 6: The Court-room (a squat)

Gash: We should string him up! its wasteful capitalist bullshit!!!

Liberal: you indoctrinate capitalism in children!

Floater: That's not all he does in children.

Santa: it brings cheer

Liberal: brings third world exploitation and pollution more like

Gash: Trying to escape eh? you fuckin prostitute!

Floater: all the broken marriages

Pagan: the promotion of materialism the worship of Mammon

Liberal: you used to give to the poor, now you just enforce spending of shit we haven't got!

Gash: fuck all that….fuck it …. none of it matters…..its about the fuckin turkeys. The continuing genocide. a feathered fuckin holocaust every fuckin year

Liberal: cmon u cant insult the Jews like that!!

Pagan: and YES! you did accept that uniform as a bribe from coke - the one you had as Frost would never fit you now!

Gash: fuck Israel

Floater: stick the point

Liberal: Fuck Israel? can you hear yourself?

Gash:: everyone else is Fucking Israel.

pagan: we cant try Santa for his part in the subjugation of the Palestinian people

Liberal: many of whom r Christian! kill Santa and u further oppress the dispossessed Palestinian Christians

Pagan: he's Santa - not Christ!

Liberal: look when they put Saddam on trial they used just one charge

Gash: lets just charge him with the Turkeys! fuck the rest

Liberal: no no its a principal

Santa: which countries' law are we using?

FloaterLiberal: we must defeat all capitalists, not just turkey farmers

Santa: Cos I don't think killing a turkey is considered murder … anywhere.

Liberal: …..I’m dreaming of a vegan Christmas……..

Santa: u fools!!! my home at the North Pole is melting! and all u can do is squabble! I am not the guilty one! u r the guilty ones!

Pagan: what about polar bears?

Floater: aye….and all the trees they cut down too

Santa: Polar bares cut down trees?

Gash: yeah - that's cos of you, that is!

Santa: the last person who tried to kill me was Oliver Cromwell!

Gash: yeah: great revolutionary!

Santa: don’t bring ur warped version of history into this

Liberal: he fucked us right up.

Santa: its all harmless fun! what would u do instead?

Gash: we'd stop killin turkeys

santa: then wot………kill me instead?

Pagan: hes got a point

Santa: without Christmas winter was a long, depressing chore! I SOLVED that! we had a feast!

Gash: how bloody humancentric. u solved nothing for the turkeys

Liberal: no dont u see he's just tryna to manipulate us into infighting

Floater: look fuck the turkeys

Pagan: hmmm… has been known

Gash: the pigs'll be here soon

Pagans: and the pigs dont give a stuff about turkeys

Santa: fucking modern pagans! I was Odin once, you know! What kind of sacrifice do these fucking modern pagans do? “I've spilt my beer in a stone circle. I'll call it a sacrifice to the earth god” - “I've farted in a stone circle - I'll call it a sacrifice” – “I’ve pissed in a stone circle…

Gash: I once shat in a font.

(shocked pause)

Floater: aye but u were a baby

Gash: no - the other week.

(shocked pause)

Gash: I've shat in shop tills as well.

(shocked pause)

Gash: And the other week I went in a Mosk and I…

Odin ur what?

Floater: Pigs'll be here soon.

gash: kill the pigs but spare the turkeys

Floater: that's speciesist!

gash: don't nut cutlets have feelings too?

Floater: they're not alive u fool!

i should hope so…….be a bit cruel otherwise

gashSanta: well neither’s a dead turkey

Liberal: i suggest we have a consensus decision that Santa is Guilty

Pagan: any think he aint guilty


Floater: I think so.

Liberal: looks like a unaminous decision

Pagan: no!!!!!!!!

shut up mozaz

Liberal: ok that’s it he's guilty

Floater: now what do we do with him?

Pagan: I don't think he's guilty of cruelty to reindeer: other than that: yes he's guilty.

Liberal: okay we can carpark the reindeer

Gash: we have. without that he's still guilty. what's the punishment?

Gash, Floater & Liberal: DEATH!!

Pagan: i am against all forms of incarceration…..i suggest we give him a stern warning


Pagan: oh- cos that's humane.

Floater: feed him to the turkeys b4 the pigs release him

Gash: we haven’t got any turkeys!

Liberal: thats cos we r vegan

Santa: are you going to look after my reindeer when you kill me???

Gash: we will set them free!


Pagan: we can take to the cairngorms - they'll like it there

Floater: dont pretend like u care Santa

Liberal: I think we should kill him humanely.

Floater: If we leave him in prison in this squat we have no idea what the bailiffs will subject him to.

Gash: beat him to death with frozen turkeys!

{this has to be the method of execution……imagine it on film} {a group of vegans beating santa to death with defrosted turkeys} its kind of poetic justice {yeh, but I'm still going to argue about it in character}

pagan: that's barbaric - it will encourage more damage and cruelty to reindeer.

Floater: electrocute him with his own fairy lights

Pagan: what are we savages?

Liberal: if u dont have the stomach for this i suggest u go

Pagan: frozen turkeys is hardly a humane death.

Floater: we can use skipped turkeys.

Liberal: electrocute him with his own fairy lights to like…..stun him first

Gash: yeah!

Liberal: can you guarantee enough skipped turkeys?

Floater: oh yes - Giblet and Scrawn are down at Waitrose at this very moment. they just texted to say they got loads

Gash: YOUR PHOINE IS ON????????

Floater: oops…

Liberal: The police will be all over us!

Gash: infiltrator

Floater: bash him with turkeys now!

Pagan: plug him in first!

Liberal: it's still using meat! I think we should kill him without meet.

Floater: its turkey justice

Liberal: don't you realise the importance of what we're doing? this is bigger than mayday 2000! (form this point on, liberal is no longer listening, just preaching some bloodthirsty anticapitalist propergandar)

Gash: cut his balls off!

Liberal: this is our chance to get rid of capitalism!

Pagan: and hang em from a tree

Liberal: …..I’m dreaming of a vegan Christmas……..

Santa: gaaarrgh!! no!

Liberal: “if not us then who? if not now then when?”

Floater: and it wasn't easy catching him I can tell you. what's the point in that if we don't kill him?

Liberal: “a small and determined group of people can change the world - indeed it is the only way”

gash: right chaps thats decided then…. what's everyone’s plans for Boxing Day ?

Floater: what's boxing day?

Pagan: we haven't killed him YET!

Santa:(Santa whipps out an Ice axe, swaring and screeming - or possablySwaring and screaming, grabs the cattle-prod - kills or eletricutes(stuns) Liberal, and looks like he's going to do the same wit everyone else)

Harvey: (as he enters the room) beware of false prophets……by their blonde dreadlocks ye shall know them

pagan: oooo…..bit profound

Harvey: nowt profound about my old fruit……Ape kind has no argument with Santa. There’s no Christmas in the jungle. Set him free at once!

Floater: set him free?!? it wasn’t easy to catch him!

Gash: if all you gonna do is take the piss Harvey Motley, fuck off.

Pagan: You know him?

Floater: Yeah - who the fuck are you? (to Harvey)

Harvey: What's going on?

Pagan: I don't know! We've been trapped in here for about a month, now!

Floater: 27 days, actualy.

Harvey: Do you think you could manage another 24 hours without comitting murder? (pause) 28 days. It's the lengh of time your allowed to be held while the police gather evidence to see if you're a terrorist or not.

Gash: I hope we won't get “Deported for Extraordinary Rendition”

Pagan: I don't want to get extraordineraly rendered!

Floater: Does that work? I mean, we'd KNOW if we were being tried for terrorism, right?

Harvey: Dunno, it's just a theory.

Liberal: (Regaining consiousness) Our lives don't matter! This is our chance kill santa and destroy capitalism forever!!!!!

Santa: (Carmly knocks out Liberal with the cattle prod again)

Pagan: Are you even really Santa Claus?

Santa: (pulls off beard) Well, no. I'm a professor of Heritage Studies at Bishop Grosseteste University College Lincoln.

Santa: (pulls off beard) Well, no. I'm a professor of History and Marketing at The University of Bolton.

Scene 7: Newsroom

Blinger: (over the phone) These anti-capitalists don't know fuck nothing - do they want to live in commy rusia? Who wants a lentlal powered bycycle? (makes fart noise) you want a faraughree, mate! get some . Fuck the planet! Drive fast - die young! everyone looks out for 'emselves, right? If the stuff ya buy's made by zombie monkey slaves, then great - that'll make it nice and cheap.

Newsreader: Great. err… do you think you could argue those points infront of a lot of anticapitalists?

Blinger: Fuckin' scum. Yes, of course I will.

Newsreader: Would you be prepared to wair a costume? (pause) nothing … camp. you'd be dressed as Mammon, god of wealth and power.

Blinger: Lots of bling?

Newsreader: Lots of bling.

Blinger: Yeah!

the words “The End” appear across the screen

Newsreader: And we'll be back to a certian courtroom after this commercial break…


===== Scene 7: The Punishment =====

Santa is beaten to death with (a) frozen turkey(s)

script/santa.txt · Last modified: 2007/02/19 15:41 (external edit)
[unknown button type]
Except where otherwise noted, content on this wiki is licensed under the following license: CC Attribution-Noncommercial-Share Alike 3.0 Unported
Recent changes RSS feed Donate Powered by PHP Valid XHTML 1.0 Valid CSS Driven by DokuWiki